We all know that sinking feeling of being really hard on ourselves. For some of us, we experience it as a gut-wrenching, overall sensation of being “bad” or “wrong” at our very core. For others, it’s a harsh internal voice that seems to stand at the ready to bring us down, just when we’ve worked up the courage to try something new, or something we’ve failed at in the past. Just as we’re poised to take a risk for our benefit, this internal voice tells us we’re “no good”, or “will never be enough, no matter what, so why try?”. But what is this feeling, this voice? Why do we attack ourselves in the first place? Something that might surprise many of us: Self-attack is learned, and it often has good reasons. I don’t mean that our self-attack is right. I mean that we come by it honestly, and that there are good reasons we learned to do it. And appreciating this is part of healing. Let’s take a moment to go back in time. Imagine yourself as a young child, or imagine a young child that you know. A teacher once asked me, “Is any child born thinking ‘I’m no good’ or ‘Something is wrong with me?’” I don’t know about you, but I don’t think so! Self-attack is something that children learn. But how and why do they learn it? Go back to this child you had in your mind’s eye before. See how this child is totally dependent on their parents or caregivers to meet all their needs. Not just food and shelter, but emotional needs, too: the need to feel welcomed in this world, the need to feel seen and understood, the need to be loved for who they really are, the need to trust and rely on others. I will go out on a limb here, and say that no child has all their needs, material or emotional, met perfectly by their parents. And not because their parents are bad, but because all parents are human beings: Like all of us, they are flawed. Environmental factors like war, economic hardship, and natural disasters also play a huge role. So imagine this young child again, totally dependent on their caregivers and environment for everything. What happens when important needs go unmet? The brutal reality is often that parents, at that moment, in that particular place, were not capable of meeting their child’s needs. Maybe there was a war going on. Maybe their parents were carrying unimaginable burdens of their own that got in the way. But if this young child were to accept this reality, it would create hopelessness. Parents or caregivers are a child’s whole world. How horrible would it be to accept that this world is simply not going to fulfill these needs they have at their very core? This is the origin of self-attack. In my experience, children opt out of hopelessness, and instead tell themselves, “I’m not worthy of getting what I need.” This is painful, but it keeps hope alive. They think, “If I’m the problem, maybe I can fix myself. If I just try harder, or need less, then I’ll finally be loved the way I need to be loved.” This was actually brilliant. It kept the child emotionally connected to their parents, even when the relationship couldn't hold them the way they needed. It meant maintaining hope in what can be a dangerous and unjust world. Seen from this perspective, self-attack was a brilliant strategy. It helped us to make it through, to survive situations in which the world couldn’t give us what we really needed. But then we grew up. We no longer depend on our parents or caregivers, yet we continue to attack ourselves by telling ourselves we’re bad or wrong at our core, that we’ll never be good enough, etc. The strategy that once protected us now hurts us: It keeps us from going for what we want, it keeps us from feeling confident and lovable just as we are, it hurts us, and keeps us stuck. This is a new perspective for many people: The self-attack that can feel like just “who we are” is really something we learned in order to survive, in order to protect ourselves from the harsh realities of the world. Giving ourselves grace means aligning our inner voice with God's voice, extending to ourselves the same mercy God extends to us. As Paul writes, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). As parents, as people, we are all flawed. God knows this, and meets us with compassion, not condemnation, in our imperfect state. God sees belovedness, not worthlessness; a child learning and growing, not a failure who can never measure up.  Can we learn to look at ourselves the same way? Can we meet our own imperfection with the same compassion God offers us? Hart to Heart is here to help you on this journey

We all have an inner voice that can be harsh: The voice that tells us we’re “no good”, “not enough”, or points out that we failed at something in the past, just when we’ve worked up the courage to try again. This harsh, inner voice is often referred to as the “inner critic”, and lots of people struggle with it. There’s lots of advice already out there regarding how to deal with our “inner critic”: positive affirmations, ignoring it, arguing against it… But here’s what most of us don't realize: When we’re feeling bad about ourselves—we all know that familiar, sinking feeling—a harsh thought happened right before that feeling. It probably happened so fast we didn’t even notice it. We often just feel terrible, and don’t know what triggered it. So many of us have been hard on ourselves for so long that it feels like a reality. We’re not aware anymore of the thoughts that precede that awful, sinking feeling of self-shame. “I’m bad” or “I’m wrong” don’t register as thoughts, they register as feelings. And feelings can register as the truth—just who we are: “I feel bad” can become “I am bad, and that’s the truth” really fast. This is why positive affirmations often don’t work long term: It’s like trying to paste new thoughts on top of thought patterns we’re not even aware of! So my advice? The first step to feeling better about yourself as a human being is just to notice when you’re hard on yourself. Get curious about it. Take the pressure off of yourself to STOP your self-critical thoughts, or replace them with better ones. Do this instead: The next time you feel that sinking feeling of self-shame, ask yourself, “What did I just tell myself?” In other words, ask yourself, what was the thought that led to this feeling? Here are some common examples: “You’ll never be good enough”, “You always screw this up”, “You’re stupid”. Then, just notice, “I’m being really hard on myself right now.” This small act of noticing can support us to create space between us, and that sinking feeling. Then we’re no longer lost in it; we aren’t that feeling. We’re separate; we’re the one observing it. You can’t change what you can’t see, as the axiom goes. So the first, and most important step is simply noticing when you’re being hard on yourself. Notice it, name it, create that breathing room between your harsh thoughts, and YOU. That’s where everything begins. Healthy Shame vs. Toxic Shame Let’s talk about the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame. There’s a lot of talk about toxic shame on social media right now. But what is it, and what isn’t it? We all know that human beings make mistakes. We might also agree that it’s natural—even useful—that we often feel shame about wrongs we’ve committed. So what makes shame toxic, rather than healthy? Healthy shame is specific, and can help us move forward in our lives. For example, let’s say that you learn that a colleague did something unethical at work. You confront that colleague, and tell them in no uncertain terms that they shouldn’t have done it. Later, you learn that what you heard they did was a lie— a rumor started by someone else. You might think, “It was wrong of me to confront my colleague about something they didn’t do.” You might feel some guilt or shame around doing it. This guilt or shame might bring you to go talk to your colleague and apologize, own up to your mistake, and make things right. This is an example of healthy shame: it’s specific, and it can help us to know when we’ve truly done something wrong. Toxic shame, on the other hand, is often experienced as something “wrong” with us that we can never change. It has a more intense, gut-wrenching, sinking-feeling flavor than healthy shame. For example, “I always mess everything up!” or “I’ll never be good enough, no matter what I do!” It can feel like no matter what, there’s nothing we can do about it—we’re just wrong or bad. This is toxic shame: It keeps us stuck, and it hurts. It is so important to differentiate between these two. A good question to ask yourself about your thoughts is: “Is this thought giving me useful information, or am I just beating myself up?” Whereas healthy shame can act as a moral compass, toxic shame beats us up from the inside. Whatever is wrong, it feels like just “who we are”. Toxic shame becomes so interwoven with our identity that it is mostly unconscious—we no longer even notice it. As you’re getting curious about whether you’re experiencing healthy shame or toxic shame, remember: Harsh isn’t necessarily honest. Toxic shame can feel like truth-telling, but it isn’t. In my experience, we come by our harsh, self-critical thoughts honestly: We heard it from parents or caregivers, or got the message that it was true in childhood, and unconsciously brought it with us into adulthood. So, what do we do when we recognize we’re caught in toxic shame—shaming ourselves, as it were? The story of the Prodigal Son can help us here: Remember how the son rehearses a speech he’ll tell his father about how worthless he is: “I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” He's preparing to condemn himself as unredeemable, before anyone else can.  What does his father do? He doesn’t argue with him. He doesn’t agree with him either. He simply welcomes him home (Luke 15:11-32). The path forward isn’t defeating that cruel, inner voice. It’s recognizing that it was never telling us the truth about who we are—and letting ourselves come home.