We all have an inner voice that can be harsh: The voice that tells us we’re “no good”, “not enough”, or points out that we failed at something in the past, just when we’ve worked up the courage to try again.

This harsh, inner voice is often referred to as the “inner critic”, and lots of people struggle with it. There’s lots of advice already out there regarding how to deal with our “inner critic”: positive affirmations, ignoring it, arguing against it…

But here’s what most of us don't realize: When we’re feeling bad about ourselves—we all know that familiar, sinking feeling—a harsh thought happened right before that feeling. It probably happened so fast we didn’t even notice it. We often just feel terrible, and don’t know what triggered it.

So many of us have been hard on ourselves for so long that it feels like a reality. We’re not aware anymore of the thoughts that precede that awful, sinking feeling of self-shame. “I’m bad” or “I’m wrong” don’t register as thoughts, they register as feelings. And feelings can register as the truth—just who we are: “I feel bad” can become “I am bad, and that’s the truth” really fast.

This is why positive affirmations often don’t work long term: It’s like trying to paste new thoughts on top of thought patterns we’re not even aware of! So my advice? The first step to feeling better about yourself as a human being is just to notice when you’re hard on yourself. Get curious about it. Take the pressure off of yourself to STOP your self-critical thoughts, or replace them with better ones. Do this instead: The next time you feel that sinking feeling of self-shame, ask yourself, “What did I just tell myself?”

In other words, ask yourself, what was the thought that led to this feeling? Here are some common examples: “You’ll never be good enough”, “You always screw this up”, “You’re stupid”. Then, just notice, “I’m being really hard on myself right now.”

This small act of noticing can support us to create space between us, and that sinking feeling. Then we’re no longer lost in it; we aren’t that feeling. We’re separate; we’re the one observing it. You can’t change what you can’t see, as the axiom goes. So the first, and most important step is simply noticing when you’re being hard on yourself. Notice it, name it, create that breathing room between your harsh thoughts, and YOU. That’s where everything begins.

Healthy Shame vs. Toxic Shame

Let’s talk about the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame. There’s a lot of talk about toxic shame on social media right now. But what is it, and what isn’t it? We all know that human beings make mistakes. We might also agree that it’s natural—even useful—that we often feel shame about wrongs we’ve committed. So what makes shame toxic, rather than healthy?

Healthy shame is specific, and can help us move forward in our lives. For example, let’s say that you learn that a colleague did something unethical at work. You confront that colleague, and tell them in no uncertain terms that they shouldn’t have done it. Later, you learn that what you heard they did was a lie— a rumor started by someone else. You might think, “It was wrong of me to confront my colleague about something they didn’t do.” You might feel some guilt or shame around doing it. This guilt or shame might bring you to go talk to your colleague and apologize, own up to your mistake, and make things right. This is an example of healthy shame: it’s specific, and it can help us to know when we’ve truly done something wrong.

Toxic shame, on the other hand, is often experienced as something “wrong” with us that we can never change. It has a more intense, gut-wrenching, sinking-feeling flavor than healthy shame. For example, “I always mess everything up!” or “I’ll never be good enough, no matter what I do!” It can feel like no matter what, there’s nothing we can do about it—we’re just wrong or bad. This is toxic shame: It keeps us stuck, and it hurts.

It is so important to differentiate between these two. A good question to ask yourself about your thoughts is: “Is this thought giving me useful information, or am I just beating myself up?”

Whereas healthy shame can act as a moral compass, toxic shame beats us up from the inside. Whatever is wrong, it feels like just “who we are”. Toxic shame becomes so interwoven with our identity that it is mostly unconscious—we no longer even notice it.

As you’re getting curious about whether you’re experiencing healthy shame or toxic shame, remember: Harsh isn’t necessarily honest. Toxic shame can feel like truth-telling, but it isn’t.

In my experience, we come by our harsh, self-critical thoughts honestly: We heard it from parents or caregivers, or got the message that it was true in childhood, and unconsciously brought it with us into adulthood.

So, what do we do when we recognize we’re caught in toxic shame—shaming ourselves, as it were? The story of the Prodigal Son can help us here: Remember how the son rehearses a speech he’ll tell his father about how worthless he is: “I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” He's preparing to condemn himself as unredeemable, before anyone else can.

What does his father do? He doesn’t argue with him. He doesn’t agree with him either. He simply welcomes him home (Luke 15:11-32). The path forward isn’t defeating that cruel, inner voice. It’s recognizing that it was never telling us the truth about who we are—and letting ourselves come home.